Dr. Google, I despise you.

I have struggled with anxiety for as long as I can remember. In the first grade, I tried to get out of going to school because I was terrified of my teacher, thinking she would toss my less than perfect work in the trash for the mere joy of embarrassing me in front of my classmates. This teacher was awful, and actually, that may have been something she did at some point in her classroom career. Still, that is not the point of this paragraph. My anxiety about my not so likeable first grade teacher literally made me sick to my stomach at the young age of six.

For the most part, my worrying habit is a personal battle that I kept to myself until I met my husband. He is the lucky one who gets to hear many of the fears that keep me up at night, the unsubstantiated ones and the ones that could actually come true. Sometimes he is a calming force, and I realize that he is of course right, and I am just being crazy. Sometimes he is a frustrating force, however. When you're worried, hearing that  you shouldn't be worried sometimes just makes you irritated, and no less worried.

Today, and for the last few weeks, I have had a new fear that I haven't been able to alleviate. About 10 days after receiving her MMR and Chicken Pox vaccines, Sarah came down with a high fever. I treated the fever with the usual Tylenol and Advil combo and put her to bed, thinking she'd be good as new in the morning. The problem is that she wasn't good as new, and began having trouble with her balance. Though she hadn't been walking for long, it seemed she'd suddenly regressed. My fairly decent, steady walker suddenly seemed to be doing a drunken weave.

I thought maybe it could be an ear infection, so I took her to see her wonderful pediatrician (seriously, I love my kid's pediatrician). There was no ear infection, and the good doctor was a little stumped, but the blood work showed that my stumbling toddler probably had a virus. The pediatrician sent us home with instructions to come back in one week if the balance problems were still happening, as she would probably order some tests (an MRI, for example) at that point.

Two days later we were praising God. Our little girl seemed to be completely back to normal. She was walking steadily, chasing the dog around the living room, laughing, eating normally, and acting as if nothing had ever happened.

Fast forward to two weeks later. Sarah developed a sudden high fever, sometimes over 104, that lasted for approximately three days. Back we went to the doctor, and were told she had another virus. We were sent home knowing that the fever would probably stick around a few days, but if it wasn't gone as of Saturday we needed to head back in.

Today, her fever is gone, and our girl is laughing, giggling, and happy again. But...her balance is once again off. She can still walk, but she is stumbling...over her own two feet, into the couch, over the dog, everywhere at times. I, of course, am frustrated because I thought we were done with this. 

And that is where the worrying part comes in. My mind automatically goes to worst case scenario mode. I'm constantly going over it in my head - Is it just an ear problem that the pediatrician is missing? Did she have a terrible reaction to her vaccinations? Is something severely wrong?

And this is where I have to take a deep breath, let my husband calm me down, and step away from the computer. Worrying will get me nowhere. If she's still stumbling in a few days, we will take her back to the doctor and ask for further investigation. If it goes away, we will once again praise God and hope that it doesn't happen again. Until then...deep breath, Jamie. 

Deep breaths. 

Deep breaths.